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September 1st, 2009

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March 14th, 2009

03:49 pm - geesh I've been bad at posting anything! I check my friends pages daily but I just can't think of a thing to post in my own journal. I have been very sick. Virus, ear infection for 2 weeks on second round of antibiotic. My immune system is down due to treatment. I am now on 2 Procrit injections weekly for anemia. They have cut down my Ribaviron from 6 pills a day to 4. I am nervous about that. Worried I won't get SVR (sustanined viral response). Thinking very seriously about upping my meds and letting them know I don't want to lower my dose again. We'll deal with the anemia. Depression has been rearing it's ugly head through all this. I have upped my Lexapro. The nurse wanted me to try Paxil again but it made me gain sooo much weight last time I was on it. It did help get me through Josh's death without losing my mind completely. That and all the prayers that were flooding Heaven for me. It has been 8 years (this August will be 9 years) and it seems unbelievable to me. It still feels like yesterday. I feel sometimes like I am in the twilight zone. Part of me stuck in the year 2000 and part of me here in 2009. Weird how it feels sometimes. A mothers grief NEVER ends when you bury a child. The things going on in the world today is aslo depressing and shouldn't be as God is in control of all. The victory is already won.. Praise God. Well hubby is home from the grocery store (glad he likes to shop) so I am going to go see what goodies he has brought home. Current Mood: blah

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January 20th, 2009

10:40 pm - treatment week 6 1/7/09 negative for Hep C virus!!! Long way to go yet.. but neg this early in treatment is a good sign. Current Mood: ecstatic Tags: treatment study

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January 11th, 2009

11:01 am - treatment update My hemoglobin is low and my platelets have dropped more than half. The nurse has dropped my Ribaviron by one pill and added Procrit injection once per week to be taken the day before my Peg injection and on the oppisite side. I have been short of breath and very tired. Hopefully this will make me feel better. Right now and for the next several months my life revolves around pills, injections and my alarm I set to remind me it is time for this or that med. If I don't keep track I forget what I have done or what needs to be done. i.e. did I take my med this morning? I sometimes don't remember unless I write it down. So I have a calendar that I document when I take my meds. I also am still having to put in an electronic palm that goes to Shering-Plough. That is starting to be a pain in the butt. Work has been going okay. Hanging in there. But I am very tired when I get home. Maybe this time the dragon will be slain! Have had several patients tests come back lately with Liver masses/CA - what is up with that? Kinda scary. I always realize that it could be me. My dogs have been getting on my nerves lately.. I don't feel like doing anything with them and they don't understand why I yell. But they still love me. Bless their hearts. I am going to do better. Current Mood: blah

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December 29th, 2008

11:26 am - 7th shot down many to go I am so sick already of this treatment. My life is revolving around pills and injections. 18 pills a day and one injection per week. Then have to put it in electronic palm for it to go directly to Shering-Plough. Have to be taken on time at certain times. Christmas was exhausting. Shopping was a nightmare. My husband told my daughter I was not myself to say the least. Daughter thinks I should carry my name, address and phone number on me at all times LOL. Told my husband to keep me out of public as long as I'm on this medicine. I am on vacation this week and really need it. I slept all weekend after Christmas. I have upped my anti depressant finally. Didn't want but the nurse said to do it when I felt I needed to as the meds deplete the seratonin. So I finally did. Drpression and fatigue, aches, headaches, nausea are the worst of it right now. And the memory fog. Brain fog is awful. Just an update. toodles Current Mood: gloomy Tags: treatment study

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December 6th, 2008

01:13 am - fourth shot down Labs looked good this last visit but my WBC's are low so was told to stay away from germs. LOL I work in family practice... give me a break. My viral load is pretty high. > 4 million. Hope this treatment works. So far haven't done to horribly on this therapy. Will have the boceprevir added next office visit in 2 weeks. Or the placebo. But even if I get the placebo this time I will eventually get the real thing. The meds I am on now are definately the real thing. I have been tired, trouble sleeping and only a couple days of feeling a little rage. But was able to control it. I laid down last evening for a little while (I thought) didn't wake until work time this morning. (well yesterday morning now) - slept 12 hours. Have only been getting 4-5 hours of sleep all week. So it was very much needed sleep. I felt like I could have slept all day long though. Maybe I will tomorrow. Even though I wanted to go Christmas shopping. We'll see as it is almost 1:30am and I am still awake. I have a "friend" that can stress me out and does so everytime she calls. Which isn't often anymore. I can not believe her gall sometimes. I can't beleive what comes out of her mouth most of the time. She is just so much the user. A liar, a cheat, a thief. Okay I'm done. But she had me so upset a couple nights ago I couldn't sleep at all. And I was in tears. She also had me cussing like a sailor. I am still upset over it. To hear her tell it she is the best mom, the best friend, the best grandma, the best everything. Well she forgets I know her pretty damn well. She can put you down by pretending to lift you up. It is crazy. Current Mood: angry

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December 1st, 2008

06:44 pm - Dear Santa Dear Santa can you see me with tears upon my face A heart so badly broken missing his embrace As I write this letter to express my only wish Dear Santa please remember only one gift on my list His smile and his laughter His hugs and kisses too Dear Santa I am pleading To make my wish come true I haven't been quite perfect I've tried the best I can but seeing you are Santa... you might just change the plan Each day I wake to sorrow Pain that I can't flee Dear Santa I am asking Could you bring him back to me? It's been so many years now... sometimes as if he was a dream Dear Santa please consider... changing this life theme Dear Santa could you find it... within your kind warm heart To bring him home for Christmas... so we are not apart? In loving memory of Joey and his heavenly buddies Lyndie © December 2007 revised 2008 I miss u Josh!! Current Mood: sad

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November 23rd, 2008

08:40 pm - 2nd injection wasn't as bad as the first one. But I have been very fatigued this weekend. All last week at work I was very energetic. Strange. I am sure that won't last. But so far so good. I have slept a lot this weekend. Couldn't stay awake. At first the electronic diary I was given was kinda neat. Now I feel like I am on an electronic leash. I can't forget to input my meds every night. It will beep at me if I forget and tell me I need to put in my meds. While on this treatment my life is not my own LOL. It belongs to Schering-Plough for the next year. I have felt a little down this week. Thanksgiving is coming and it was Josh's favorite holiday. I really hate the holidays. Toodles Current Mood: blah Tags: treatment study

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November 17th, 2008

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November 15th, 2008

04:36 pm - First injection out of the way 11/14/08 I took my first injection last night. Doctor's appt was supposed to be 9:00am but they had to push it to 1:00pm due the Schering not having the med there on time. Meds came in at 10:30am. I took my first injection at 2:30pm and my 3 pills of Riba. I take one injection per week and 3 pills twice a day. That is for the first 8 weeks. Then they will start the Boceprevir. And that will be pills three times daily and the timing is important. So many hours apart and not to far apart. So I will have to be very deligent in taking my meds on time. Depending on what arm I am put into it will or could be the real thing or a placebo. But eventually somewhere along the line I will be getting the real med no matter what. I have a Palm/electronic diary I have to put my meds into daily and it goes directly to Schering-Plough. I was told they are watching this study very closely as the Boceprevir is close to being approved by the FDA. The nurse told me there are many people that would like to be in this study trial. I am one of the lucky ones to be in. She only has 10 people in it, don't know if that means for the whole state or not but I think so. She told me I was pre-approved and got in right away due to my compliance with the other study and my history. So I am feeling grateful for being in this study. Injection at 2:30pm and 3 pills of Riba. 5:30pm felt I needed a nap. Woke up from nap around 8:30pm and was starting to feel achey with chills. By 10:30pm I had chills so bad my teeth clanked together so hard I was sure I was going to need dental work. Took my 3 other Riba. Fever 102.5. Extremely tired. Up and down all night feeling awful. Whining a lot LOL. Couldn't get comfortable most of the night. Hubby said I did a lot of moaning in my sleep. Talking in my sleep. I was very headachey. Woke up at 8:30am soaking wet, I guess from the fever breaking and was feeling better. Still a little headachey. But feeling pretty good so far today. Even have some energy. I got to enter my first days meds into the palm diary. Wow the journey begins. Again. Current Mood: accomplished Tags: treatment study

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November 11th, 2008

10:13 pm - Treatment starts this Friday I start in the new study this Friday. Not looking forward to it. I lead into the study with the pegintron and ribatol. Later they will be adding boceprevir. There are several arms to this treatment and it is random which arm I will be in. So guess I'll find out more on Friday. I have taken Friday and Monday off work. God please let me be able to work through this. I have to work. As I said I am not looking forward to this but it is something I have to do. Will post more when I know more. I am going to try to keep this journal updated for myself on this treatment so I will have something to reference back to. This is the study Boceprevir Plus Peginterferon alfa-2b/Ribavirin for Treatment of Genotype 1 Chronic Hepatitis C Josh pray for mommy. toodles for now Current Mood: scared

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October 5th, 2008

03:59 pm - the hyphen divides Current Mood: contemplative

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03:52 pm - America why I love her Current Mood: proud

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12:09 am - funny E from my daughter So this is an e-mail from my daughter 9/30/08 titled "your grandson's" - I was hysterical. here is he e-mail:: So Josh and Joe had shorts on this morning. I went out to load up the car and seen that it was chili even w/ a jacket. I told Josh they should put jeans on. I tell him I washed your school jeans last night so they are in the dryer, go grab a pair. Josh: Where is the dryer? Me: It’s the big white machine Josh: Oh with the trash can? Me: Yes He goes to that room and comes back. Josh: I can’t find it. Me: You didn’t see the big white machine? With the door that opens in front? Josh: I can’t find it. Me: Have Joe show you. Josh: Joe come show me where the dryer is Joe: What? Josh: COME SHOW ME WHERE THE DRYER IS!! Joe: Why? Josh: Mommy said you have to show me where the dryer is!! Joe comes downstairs and they both walk into the laundry room. Joe just stands there Josh (from the laundry room): I don’t see it Joe: murmurs from the laundry room don’t know what he said Josh: Oh I see it. I found it. Me: Lord, I hope so. I don’t know if this says something about him or about how much he has seen me do laundry. Current Mood: amused

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October 3rd, 2008

07:29 pm - Liver doc appt Well looks like I am going to start treatment again soon. This is a study. I will be doing the high dose of interferon the rebetol and a new medication added. Protease inhibitor I believe. Not sure when I start but they will be contacting me soon enough. Dr said if I don't do something to try and beat this beast I will be there on his transplant list eventually. So okay. I try again. An 80 something % rate of killing the virus. I also saw the orthopedic doc last week and was told I needed bilateral hip replacements. Arthritis and bones spurs. The bone spurs are impeding movement like door stops and causing pain. I'll wait on this until I see what happens with treatment. I am really not looking forward to this. But gotta try I suppose. One more time. I have to work. Have to. Cannot afford to miss work. Dr says he will help get me through the depression, rages, and whatever else that comes along. He will help with energy. So what does all this mean? Is he going to turn me into Juday Garland. Meds to treat the virus, meds to get up and go, meds for depression, meds to control rage if it comes, meds to sleep. By the time I am through with treatment I'll be in a straight jacket to get off meds. LOL Not really funny. But I gotta try he says. *sigh* So I'll try. But I have felt so much better mentally off the meds. aaahhhh I'll make it. God is in control. I believe that with every ounce of my being. Everything is going to be just fine. I have a good husband. That helps. A lot. And he loves me and I love him so all will be okay. Well Moses is bring me his toy to throw so he can run get it bring it back, squeek it, fight me for it, throw it again. Toodles for now. Current Mood: hopeful

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September 28th, 2008

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September 27th, 2008

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September 20th, 2008

04:23 pm - Rainy day - rainy mood cozy. Home alone with my dogs and cats. Watching the news on the bombing in Pakistan at the hotel. Such sadness in the world. And I am thankful to be in my safe home with the thunder and rain coming down. Peaceful and cozy. Feeling sad for the ones not so fortunate. So many don't even know where their next drink of water is coming from. I have been depressed lately. Empty nest syndrome. But getting used to it more now. Missing Josh. Reflecting on past mistakes I have made and wishing for a do over. Won't, can't happen. Had Xrays and have to see an Ortho specialist. Arthritis in my hips. Hurts too. Probably nothing they can do except tell me to lose weight and take meds for pain. I read where 1 lb of weight loss takes 4 lbs of pressure of your knees. Wow. Makes me look at losing weight differently. I smoke. Too much lately. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't a slow suicide on purpose. I know I shouldn't be smoking. It is hard to give up when you enjoy it. I am a Christian but by no means a finished work. Poor testimony I guess to claim Christ and keep up with this nasty habit. But by the same token isn't it a poor testimony to be so fat and unhealthy? Suppose so. Our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I drink too much coke too. I feel sad lately. I am trying to be more positive but it is hard. The world is such a mess. Been doing a lot of reading. Especially on end times. Prophecy. It is very interesting. Sometimes scary and sometimes feels me with the Hope of Christ's soon return. Makes me realize my priorities are not exactly where I would like them to be. The rain has stopped and I was so enjoying it. Smells fresh, the air coming in the windows. Love it. I hope my next post is more up. I know this one is down in the dumps. But that is how I am feeling today. Lately been feeling down a lot. I want to laugh. Toodles for now my dear journal. Miss U Josh. Wish we could talk. Current Mood: sad

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September 7th, 2008

05:49 am - WOW last post was 8/10/09 I am really neglecting my journal! I have been reading friends journals though. I have been working and not much else. Been a hermit except for work. I think if it wasn't for going to work I'd live in my jammies. Got a new cell phone. I had a razor and loved it. I like flip phones best. Hubby wanted a Blackberry but we decided on the IPhone and it is really cool. I will probably be playing on it most of the day. Trying to learn how it works. It is different. It is all touch screen. Really neat. I think hubby likes it a lot. My daugther got moved into her new home. It isn't new but new to her. Only about 10 years old. Nice home. The kids now have a backyard to play in and sidewalks. They started their new school - 4 star schools. Hope they get good teachers. The teachers from their old school hated to see them go. They were really liked there. Helped that their great grandfather was working there as a janitor. He is retired but works there for extra college money for my granddaughter he and mom raised. The teachers all love him to pieces so the boys got special attention. Josh loves shcool, Joey not so much LOL. My oldest son seems to be doing okay. His second child that lives out of state and ran away is doing better. She is home and back in school. She promises to finish HS - it is her last year. She will be 18 in November. She is the rebellious one. I am planning to clean today. My animals make it necessary, LOL. I don't want my house smelling like dogs/cats. I have a fetish about that. But I love my animals and they keep me from being so lonely with this empty nest syndrome. They can be such brats though. Our puppy is coming along fine. He is (thank God) completely housebroken. But he barks too much, bark collar doesn't even seem to help. He has so much energy and we can't wear him out like we should so he gets bored. He is driving our oldest dog nuts wanting to play with him all the time. He just won't leave him alone. We have a big fenced backyard but he wont go play by himself very often. We or the other dogs have to be out there with him. Like a little child.... wants his parents or siblings to play with him. My sister has been watching the baby for my daughter since she went back to work. So she has had him since he was 6 weeks old. The move has made it hard for Jodi to keep taking him to my sister with gas and traveling so much. So she had to find someone else. He is almost 6 months old so my sister is, of course heartbroken. I know my daughter hates it too because sis spoiled him rotten. It worries me that he has to go to someone he doesn't know. But millions of mom's have to take their childern to daycares and sitters that aren't family. I know my daughter will monitor it well. And daddy will not let anyone neglect him. This will give my daughter more time with all three kids. She will get home from work earlier, have more time with helping the boys with homework and spend more quality time with them. My sister called me just bawling though. Had my daughter in tears too. My brother in law also was teary over it. He has gotten attached to the baby as well. It is hard to have to be a working mom, but there are a lot of them today. Just can't make it on one paycheck today. Times have surely changed. I went to bed real early last night and got up to let the puppy out at 2:30 am and stayed up. Hubby has left for work and I am going to get off here and start cleaning up. Ribs for supper. Hubby is our wonderful cook in this household. LOL He watches the cooking shows all the time. My oldest son likes to cook as well. My son would really like to go to chefs school. I may take time today to visit my momma. I call her often. She is my bestest friend. Well just an update. Nothing much happening. Still haven't been contacted by my liver doc for the treatment study yet. Maybe I have slipped through the cracks? But oh well. I feel so much better mentally off the meds. Not in any hurry to feel so lousy again. I do have an appointment with him Oct 1. Dogs are hungry, out of food until Jim swings back by with the food in a couple hours. Our puppy will be getting neutered soon, maybe that will settle him down some. TOODLES for now. Won't wait so long to write again. Current Mood: awake

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August 10th, 2008

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